The ladies.

There’s a lot of guys out there who don’t know what to do with women. I don’t mean they can’t flirt. I mean they think girls are more trouble than they are worth. If there’s no strategy guide, then it can’t be worth it. They don’t want the responsibility, aren’t quality guys themselves, or figure Tinder lasts just long enough.

I’m here to give you some sure-fire things to avoid in women. Everything else I write is to make you are worthy of them.

Guys usually have three bad traits: cowardliness, bullying, or being a bum. Women have different traits that make them dangerous: vanity and insecurity.

In one way or another, she needs to be the center of attention. She’s an addict, and the drug is never enough. Hers is attention. Or love. Or entitlement.

She won’t be satisfied with a family, a life, and a purpose. She’s going to start arguments just to be dominant. She’s going to constantly need emotional reassurance that you can never fill, and no one can. That’s why she’s probably a slut—she needs constant male attention. Maybe it manifests as entitled laziness, in that she expects you to work while she plays.

There are common traits, both positive and negative that can give you a hint about these women:

Tattoos. I know everyone under Forty has tattoos these days, and there’s a lot of serious hotties with ink, but they are associated in hundreds of studies with “high time preferences”—that is the inability to delay satisfaction. It’s why you rarely see tattoos on neurosurgeons, but frequently on Hooters Girls. This warning goes double for the “basic bitch tattoo.”

Your dreamcatcher tattoo is meant to “keep the bad vibes out?” You’re so original and special! Do you also watch Dr. Phil and check your horoscope?

Dressing like a slut: you know you’re asking for trouble, so just don’t. This goes triple if she dresses like a slut even when it’s freezing.

Not this.

Piercings? My rule is no more than four total piercings, and none below the bellybutton. Five or more, and it’s just advertising. Piercings on the face count for three.

Does she start arguments just to win? Yeah, I know every girl does it at some point, but is it a daily thing, or just a once-a-year thing? The latter is an acceptable level of crazy. Throwing your clothes out of the house because you didn’t get her Valentine’s gift by 11 A.M. isn’t. She is either attention seeking or attempting to dominate you.

Feminist? Just fucking don’t.

Has she ever been independent? There’s a fine balance to strike here. Children invariably come when you’re building your career, so a woman who wants children will have to sacrifice her career to some extent—a very noble sacrifice. This is one of the main reasons women don’t make as much as men. She will be more “dependent” for this reason, and that’s ok. However, a woman who has never supported herself is probably a brat.

Hair color. The key here is to get a girl who dyes her hair a natural shade. Blue? Pink? Purple? Grey? Rainbow? This is like the bright colors on poisonous animals warning you to stay away. I don’t care that she scoffs at me for saying that. Her Starbucks’ Barista job hardly qualifies her to dispute me.

This is exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t stick your dick in crazy.

How does she dress when she goes to the gym? I know most girls go to the gym in yoga pants and a thong (though they really shouldn’t), but is it with full make-up, see-through yoga pants, and a strappy Lulu Lemon sports bra? If so, she’s there to show off and get hit on by douchebags, not work out.

Attention? Never! You’re clearly here to do 15 minutes on the elliptical and then go get FroYo.

Starbucks. Yes, every girl loves Starbucks, but there is a type of girl who recognizes that Starbucks is a treat, and not a twice-a-day excursion. Get the former.

No way! You can’t wait for Pumpkin Spice Lattes to come back?! Please, describe how else “Sex and the City” totally describes your life. I bet you think you’re Carrie?

She does drugs. Yes, even weed and alcohol. Girls don’t pay for weed. Or, at least, not with cash. If she gets a cosmo on a date or smokes a little weed on the weekend with you, that’s fine. But if she blazes every day, ditch her. If she shoots Jack Daniels Honey, run. If she’s ever done MDMA, cocaine, or an opiate, run fast.

She does anal. Every guy under forty these days wants to do anal. Thanks, porn. You ruined everything. Girls that do anal are trying to get guys to like them. Easy enough. Same goes for one-night stands, or if she’s slept with more than one guy for every 18 months she is over 17-years-old, up to 6 guys. If she has had 6 long-term relationships by 26 and none have worked out, it’s her, not them. The fewer, the better. You’ll thank me when you’re 32 and you’re not worrying about if your wife is banging her trainer. There’s a time and a place to get kinky, and it’s called “we’ve been married more than three years.”

Does she speak hippy? “That’s my journey.” “Everyone’s got a path.” “I’m spiritual, not religious.” “Yoga really centers me.” This means she believes there are no inherent boundaries and life is about satisfying yourself—hedonism.

You can also look for some positive traits. Some of the following include:

Is she religious? Any religion. And no, not “I’m spiritual, but not religious.” That’s just code for “I make up whatever affirms my choices.” Religion means she is subject to an authority other than her whims. Does it really surprise you that pro-life girls are better marriage material? They want kids and a husband. No-brainer.


Has she read a book other than teenage fiction or self-help books after high-school? Hopefully, yes.

Does she do charity work? And no, not the liberal cause du jour. I mean helping people who are hurt by bad fortune, and not their own choices. Planned Parenthood or the needle exchange is just helping people make demonstrably bad choices. There are plenty of burn victims, old people, and poor kids that need help. Charity means she thinks about something other than herself.

Does she wear full-butted underwear to the gym? She gets triple kudos for this. It is rare, and often times it means she’s a lesbian, but if you find a girl running hard on the treadmill in full-butted underwear, some sweat-wicking clothes, and little or no make-up, it means she’s sensible, ready to work, and not particularly vain. Grab dem digits. She’s probably already engaged, though.

Does she show up to work and stay the whole day without complaining, or taking an hour for lunch at Starbucks?

Does she stick to a diet? Can she cook? Does she maintain a budget? Does she have savings? These are basic adult skills. If she maintains a sensible diet and isn’t only good looking because she’s young, you’ve got a keeper.

Is she a part of a group activity that doesn’t involve alcohol or the club? A professional society? A personal development group? Meet-ups for non-hippy shit? Reading clubs? Cooking? Hobbies? Politics that don’t involve whining about oppression? These things denote maturity and a recognition that she’s not already perfect. Shocker, I know.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it: find her, marry her, make her happy.

The rules aren’t perfect. There are plenty of nice girls with a cute little tattoo somewhere. There are some girls who go to church who are hateful. But the more tick-marks, the higher the risk you’re sticking your dick in crazy. Do you want the constant hurdle of a nagging, immature girl, or a loving, mature wife? Be judgmental; it’ll save you a lot of pain.

Look for these traits and you’ll find a quality wife.

If you’re a douchebag reading this: if she’s into you, it’s already too late.

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